Plodding through a maze of unprepossessing concrete corridors and growing increasingly frustrated at every dead end and locked door, we stomped crossly into the sleepy hollow of Pro Ivan Ronaldson, son of the more famous Chris. Casually leaning against the solid glass main wall of the court was a man whose RTO forum internet presence almost matched his imposing physical stature: the man, the legend, Temple Grassi. Decked out in gleaming whites and goggles, he ran through our schedule for the day and gave us a quick and valuable lecture about on-court safety, accompanied by a potted history of the club and its luminaries. Visit the RTO forum for specifics.
“Grab your coat you’ve Temp-ulled!” he yelled enthusiastically at Sophie, whipping off his real tennis bow tie and beckoning her onto court for the first match of the day. “And Audrey, you’re next!” Izzy and Clare, though understandably disappointed to miss the chance of a lifetime to take on the Dauphin of Prince’s Court, muttered jealously that the Grassi was almost certainly greener on the other side. Sophie’s much-vaunted hand-eye coordination was temporarily thrown by the large yellow Furbies which passed for tennis balls under Ivan’s lax reign. (We hope the esteemed Aiken Tennis Ball Company, said to be on the verge of receiving a valuable new lease of life, sends a new batch soon.) Having stoically dealt with Sophie’s self-indulgent display of trick shots, Temple retired with dignity after a battering from Gaz and his penchant for mirthless dedans forces.Izzy romped through her match against Bob Forbes and was rewarded for her rapid improvement by a much-coveted Ronaldson handicap cut. Stealing the first points for Washington, Cecilia broke Clare’s heart and shook her confidence daily – though with the help of Taylor Swift, she sh-sh-sh-shook it off and proceeded to put in a frankly dazzling display in the doubles alongside Izzy, fizzing mis-hit volleys into the winning gallery off the tambour. Tony Henman’s fatal misreading of two Chase 2’s in Audrey and Sophie’s doubles led to him spending an uncomfortable night in the Princes Court bin.
Oxford 4 – 2 Washington
Sophie vs Temple Grassi: 10-1
Audrey vs Temple Grassi: 10-3
Izzy vs Bob Forbes: 10-1
Clare vs Cecilia Forbes: 5-10
Clare and Izzy vs Cecilia and Britt: 10-5
Audrey and Sophie vs Britt and Christine: 8-10
At the beautiful Grassi home, our eyes were drawn to a number of compelling objects: a large backgammon trophy, a Jesters Club almanac (from which we covertly noted down a few key email addresses) and a ludicrously friendly Corgi named Louie. After Temple had finished explaining that one of his backgammon players had pulled out of the tournament at the last minute (what a stab in the back-gammon, we thought!), he directed us to our lovely sleeping quarters, and Sophie was disgruntled to find herself shacked up with Clare yet again. A few short showers later, we descended to dinner with our by-now trademark Formal Wet Hair Look (‘Why are there never any hairdryers in America??’ Izzy screeched) and enjoyed a variety of drinks including premium vodka, rum, gin and red wine. Ellie Grassi (Cousin of American Etonian and International Man of Mystery Schuyler Wickes) prepared an incredibly delicious meal, which we interrupted periodically withboring anecdotes about our formative years in tennis. We were joined by Audrey’s friend, RT lass and rackets WAG Mary Livingston, who filled us in on which internationally ranked tennis players had “done kissing” with one another (hint: lots!).
Temple commemorated our visit with a wonderful gift of a Princes Court racquet, which will be hung in Merton St just above Craig’s jealous reach. He also provided us with individual Princes Court transfer tattoos to flaunt during our matches in Aiken. Finally, he regaled us with a lyrically imaginative and technically tight poem about the day’s events, in which he informed us that he had pre-emptively emailed Aiken to warn them about the ‘ladies from Hades’. By far his best gift, though, was some sage advice about the dangers of plagiarism and the importance of thinking for ourselves. So, here, for the first time, Temple, we have cautiously attempted to find our own voice:
There once was a Jester named Grassi
Who billeted Oxford en masse – ‘E
Safeguarded his poem
So we said this’ll show ‘im
We’ll write him a limerick that doesn’t scan or rhyme.
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